I remember vividly the day God called me to be a mom. I was just beginning college and I felt so discouraged by the lack of "direction" that I had. I didn't know what I wanted my career to be and therefore didn't know what major to study and I just felt really confused because I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I was sitting in church next to my mom one Sunday and the pastor was giving a message on motherhood. I remember so clearly how God spoke to me that day. That day I knew without a doubt that God was calling me to be a mom someday.
Fast forward several years and you can imagine my confusion, frustration, disappointment and heartache when it seemed like that calling was never going to happen and that I was never going to get the chance to actually fulfill the role of a mother. It had been a year since we decided to start a family of our own and all we were met with was failed attempts to conceive and one big mess of heartache. I had always hoped to have a big family and I knew I desired to be a mom so when the news came that we basically had zero chance of ever conceiving on our own I was absolutely devastated. How in the world were we supposed to have lots of kiddos if we couldn't even conceive?! It was all sort of like a bad dream that I thought I would surely wake up from someday. You always hear about sad stories where people are infertile and it sounds awful but you never expect that you would actually be one of those stories....it was gut wrenching. We knew the Lord had already opened up our hearts to adoption but in the midst of the pain it just seemed like putting a band aid on a gaping wound. People offered it like it was a "solution" to having biological children but it just felt like an extremely inadequate attempt to make everything ok. Everything wasn't ok, and adoption wasn't the band aid to fix it.
(In fact, I still feel strongly that way even today. Adoption doesn't "solve" infertility. It shouldn't be sought as something to take the pain away from the inability to conceive. It's a wonderful option, but it doesn't erase the the pain of infertility so it should not be pursued for that purpose.)
I wasn't suddenly opposed to adoption now that it seemed like my only choice, it's just that I knew it wasn't ever going to take away the pain of being unable to bear a child. I knew adoption was something God still wanted us to pursue someday, but it had nothing to do with helping ease the pain of our infertility.
It was a long journey...that road of infertility marked with pain and heartache. I won't pretend I started out with great faith and trusted the Lord immediately in the midst of it all. Faith is a journey and that was definitely true for me. It took time to work through everything and come to grips with the reality of our situation and finally be able to come to a place of complete faith in God. I knew I WANTED to have great faith in the midst of it all but some days it was just really hard to come by. I remember my prayer from the beginning was that someday I would be able to say, "If my pain brings God glory, then so be it." By God's grace He brought me to that place throughout the journey and I did finally come to a place of complete trust in Him. That doesn't mean it didn't still hurt...in fact it still hurts today (but that's another post for another day :)), but I knew who was in control and I trusted that He knew and still knows best.
We decided to pursue medical options to try and conceive but in the meantime we got down to business with our adoption research as well. We started looking into agencies and researching the process, the options and everything involved in an adoption. We had actually narrowed down our choices for an agency and we were ready to apply. But, we were also in the midst of a HUGE decision regarding our fertility as well. We had come to the end of our ropes as far as options were concerned for conceiving with medical intervention. We decided we wanted to pursue our last option but we were unsure what that meant for applying with an adoption agency. If things didn't work out and the medical attempts failed we didn't want to have to wait even longer to get going on the adoption process...we wanted to have the ball rolling (remember, it had been 2 years since we wanted to have children so we really didn't want to prolong the wait anymore). We called the agency to get their thoughts and they advised that we wait to apply for the program because if we were to get pregnant by some miracle (*I love remembering what a miracle it was that we actually did get pregnant! ;)) then we would have to cancel our application and all monies paid thus far would be lost. We wouldn't get a refund, so it would be better to wait and see what happened first.
Well, that's what we decided to do. We put our adoption plans and steps on the shelf and prayed like crazy as we rode the roller coaster of our last fertility treatment.
And then March of 2010 came and God blessed us with the miracle we desperately prayed for....our "shot in the dark" treatment had worked and we were expecting a precious miracle baby in December! God was knitting together a human being in my womb and we were beyond grateful...blown away at the grace and mercy of our Lord.
So where did this leave all of the adoption stuff? Because we were finally pregnant with a biological child did that mean we would forget about adoption? Definitely not...our purpose for adopting was never to "make up" for the fact that we can't get pregnant....but you'll have to stay tuned to find out how the story picks back up again.
Happy Monday everyone...hope it's treating you well!
(Click here for Why Adoption Part 4)
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