I don't think I've ever stared so much at a picture before in my life. After 2 months of waiting, we finally got a new picture of our little guy in Ethiopia!! I had asked for picture updates several weeks ago but it took over 3 weeks to finally get them and my heart was weary and breaking over not being able to see him. But I'm elated to see his face again finally. I really can't even describe the emotions or what it's like to love a child in a picture so much and to watch your little one grow up in pictures. It's a crazy mess of emotions. I'm over the moon to see a new picture of his precious face. People. Seriously. He is so cute. I CANNOT wait to kiss his cheeks and hold him in my arms. I can't wait till I can share his pictures on here. It's awesome to see him and know he's still there...he's still real...he's growing.....oh wait, he's growing. Yes, that's a good thing but then when I see how much he's changing in pictures it breaks my heart to see how much we're missing and how much time he's spending in an orphanage. That little boy we first fell in love with is gone...I will only ever see him in a single photograph. I will never hold that baby or study the details of his face. He's now older, changing, growing up. He's 11 months now....almost out of that baby stage of the first year. I'm going to miss his first year. I can't even. It turns my heart upside to down to think of all that. But I know that is part of this journey and so instead I turn to studying the one precious piece of him that I do have.
I never knew you could analyze a picture so much. It's overwhelming to open up that e-mail the first time...I see the thumbnail and can't wait to open it up and see his face on my screen. My heart is filled with butterflies. What will he look like? How much has he changed? Is he healthy? Is he growing? Has he developed? And then we finally see him and it's like falling in love all over again as we see the face of the little boy we know to be ours someday. Then I start studying the picture like crazy. After all...when you only have 1 picture of your child, you devour it like nothing else! I zoom in so his whole face fills my screen...Grahm loves it when I do that and asks for me to do it over and over again and replies "aww...he's so cute mom." Yep. He is. It probably might sound strange to someone who's never been in this position, but I'm sure my adoption mom friends can relate. I look for every detail I possibly can. His nose looks a little damp underneath, is he sick? Or is he just hot and sweaty? Do his eyes look tired or happy? How much have his fingers grown...I zoom in and compare to our previous picture from 2 months ago. I can see where even his fingers have changed. I zoom in again and see how his hair lines have changed...his hair is getting fuller. His ears have even changed in my eyes. There's a lot to notice when you don't get to see someone everyday.
I drink it all in as much as I can and then I immediately save it to my phone screen saver and constantly check my phone the rest of the day just so I can see his face again. I want to memorize it so it's burned in my memory and I can bring his face to mind anytime I want. I memorize the lines on his cheeks, his cute little button nose, the lines of his kissable lips, and I burn the image of his beautiful big brown eyes into my mind in hopes that if he lives in my mind he won't feel quite so far away.
I love this little boy in pictures. This little boy who lives half a world away. He's stolen my heart and it will never be the same. I cannot wait for the day I get to hold him in my arms. I'm thankful for the truth God loves him more than I ever will or can and I can trust His ways and His sovereignty. For now, I'll keep clinging to that and study my picture some more.
Oh...and if I happen to see you in public and I suddenly shove my phone into your face...I apologize in advance. :) It's only because I want you to see the little boy I love so dearly who has captured my heart so fiercely.
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